I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
