hotel room ftw
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
