You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
