I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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