you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i would punch a child for taco bell
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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