You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
