I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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