You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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