This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
