Me too!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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