he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
