The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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