Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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