he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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