I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
