I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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