how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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