and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
