theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That accounts for only three of the penises
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
