WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
