On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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