Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
