I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
