every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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