you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
