You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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