Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
