meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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