I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
