You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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