i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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