I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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