I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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