I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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