Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
