he thought i was a dude.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize