Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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