Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
whose ass print is on the piano?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
