I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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