I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh god it's open bar.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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