i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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