You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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