Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
