My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
