this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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