so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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