Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
