You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
