you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
