i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
