Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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