she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
