So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
