Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
