I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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