do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm at about main and main street
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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