I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
