just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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