Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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