I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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