i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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