3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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